Book Review: If I Disappear | Eliza Jane Brazier

I absolutely loved Eliza Jane Brazier’s third book, Good Rich People, so I wanted to go back and read her debut. One thing is certain, Brazier writes some of the most bizarre and fun plots I’ve read. Her main characters are so delightfully weird! If I Disappear is no exception. Centered around a woman who leaves her life behind to find her favorite podcaster, this book is bizarre, tense and has a stunner of a twist.

The book is narrated by a young woman named Sera, who is struggling to find a sense of purpose in her life after a rough patch. The thing that keeps her mind occupied is a true crime podcast called “Murder, She Spoke”. The podcast is hosted by a woman named Rachel Bard and focuses specifically on cases where young women have disappeared. Sera respects the way Rachel champions these victims, keeping their stories alive in a world where it is so easy for a woman to disappear. There are so many women who society has forgotten.

“You said it was preordained. You were destined for this job. In your worst moments, you also said I sometimes wonder if I’m destined to disappear. You said this on March 27, your final episode, and then you disappeared.”

Sera becomes concerned when Rachel herself disappears. Everything goes suddenly silent—her podcast, her social media, her online presence. Sera has spent time studying Rachel and her approach to solving crimes, and she is certain Rachel must have been the victim of a crime, just like the very women she podcasts about. Sera is convinced that she is the only person who will notice and go looking for Rachel. She has listened to every episode several times, she’s taken in Rachel’s advice, and she has picked up every small clue as to where Rachel lives.

Sera sets off to Northern California to search for Rachel at the Fountain Creek Guest Ranch that Rachel’s family owns. As Rachel begins her journey, the reader is right alongside her, following her every move. Rachel narrates the story directly to Rachel using the rare second person POV. When she arrives at the remote ranch, she knows she can’t be forward with her true mission and what she knows about Rachel. Sera pretends she is looking for work, and the family hires her due to her experience wrangling horses.

As Sera begins work (and searching for clues about Rachel’s disappearance), she notices how strange things are at the ranch. Despite being a resort, there are no guests at the ranch. There’s also no internet access, and Sera wonders how Rachel was able to record and upload her podcasts. The horses are unwell, despite people dedicated to caring for them. Rachel’s mother Addy muses that Rachel was probably killed by a gang that roams the borders of the ranch. Sera wonders why Addy seems nonchalant about the death or disappearance of her daughter.

As Sera investigates, she uncovers more strange things hidden beneath the surface of the ranch. Other girls have gone missing from Fountain Creek—Rachel isn’t the first one. Everyone at the ranch seems to be hiding something, and Sera can’t figure out what it is. The deeper she gets into her investigation, the closer Sera comes to the shocking truth about what happened to Rachel.

Sera narrates directly to Rachel with a sense of urgency that reveals how desperate Sera is to have a purpose. The style of narration (addressing everything to “you”) adds a hazy vibe to the story that has an off-kilter, disorienting feel to it. Sera seems to bizarrely think that she is the only person who can help find Rachel, despite never having met her. She’s convinced that Rachel knew she was going to disappear, and dropped subtle clues into her podcast.

I was riveted by this story and I didn’t know what to make of Sera. She’s an odd person and she doesn’t seem to be in the strongest place emotionally. Her obsession with Rachel made me unsure whether I could trust her version of events. I wondered if Sera is having some type of mental breakdown. Sera seems to think that Rachel may have been dropping those hints for her alone. As she settles into her life at the ranch, she realizes that everyone surrounding Rachel is keeping secrets from her. Not just Rachel’s parents, but also the handsome and mysterious cowboy, Jed, as well as the locals from the closest town.

Reading this book feels like a dark cloud is slowly rolling in. At first you spot it in the distance and don’t pay it much mind, but creeps ever closer until suddenly it covers the light and an eerie gray darkness is around you everywhere you look. And right after that happens, Brazier drops a twist right into the story and blows up everything you thought you had figured out.

The ending of If I Disappear has been polarizing. Some have said the twist and conclusion tied everything together perfectly, and others have said the opposite—that it left them with more questions than answers. I fell closer to the first group, though I admit I definitely had some question after finishing. I think for readers to enjoy this, they have to be okay with some plot holes. We don’t get an answer to everything in the end. There are so many people telling conflicting things about what is going on at the ranch, and the reader (along with Sera) needs to piece together which stories are true, which are suppositions, and which are lies.

A gripping and surreal thriller, I loved how strange Sera is. She’s a bizarre character and yet by the end she seems to be one of the most normal people involved with the entire story.

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About the Book | If I Disappear

When her favorite true crime podcast host goes missing, an adrift young woman plunges headfirst into the wild backcountry of Northern California and her own dangerous obsession.

Sera loves true crime podcasts. They make her feel empowered in a world where women just like her disappear daily. She’s sure they are preparing her for something. So when Rachel, her favorite podcast host, goes missing, Sera knows it’s time to act. Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts.

Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel’s small hometown to begin her search. She’s convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud. But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world, the more off things start to feel. Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch, and she won’t be the last…